Getting out of God's way!

I love Jesus! I love my kids! I have prayed their whole lives for them to love Jesus too! I have prayed they would be head over heels in love with Him. That they would be willing to abandon all that is safe and comfortable to answer His call. I prayed that they would have a faith like David or Gideon. That they would trust whatever they were called to do and have full confidence in their Creator to strengthen them and carry them through anything they face. I prayed that they would be selfless and choose others. every.single.time. I prayed that NO MATTER WHAT, they would desire God's purpose for their life. I prayed that whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable-if anything is excellent or praiseworthy-that they would think about such things. 

Here's the thing-it doesn't feel good when God answers that prayer. It actually hurts in this super tender part of our heart. That place that wants complete control. The spot that just wants our kids to need us. The place that wants nothing more than to keep our kids safe and comfortable. It hurts there.

God isn't safe. He is seldom comfortable.

When Lanni was about 8 we went on a family mission trip to Mexico. It was one of the best weeks of my life. We helped build a house for a family there that needed it. We led somewhat of a Vacation Bible School for the kids in the little neighborhood we were in. WE served, we sacrificed, we were dirty, we worked hard, we loved. We loved hard. Lanni befriended a little girl that came to play with us each day. They played, they crafted, they laughed. Then, one night, Lanni cried. She explained to me that she didn't think it was fair that the little girl couldn't understand her. "All she wanted to do was tell her about Jesus". She was so frustrated. When we got home, she asked for a book to learn Spanish so that would never happen again. 

I should have known then that Lanni had a heart for the uncomfortable and the unsafe. I knew she had a heart for the broken and forgotten. I knew she had a heart for the lost. I should have known that broken, forgotten, and lost is far from comfortable and safe.

For many years I have struggled with being one of those helicopter mama's. You know the ones. That mama that lingers around on the first day of school, for hours- just in case- someone needs you. Ya, I'm that mom. The one that can.not.handle not having every single detail. The one that tries to be in control of every moment. My husband, Robb, helps me see things more clearly. He knows they need space to live and grow and learn. There have been many conversations that have begun with him reminding me that sometimes I just have to get out of God's way. That He has a story for them too. That sometimes, God doesn't need me to be involved in what He's doing in their hearts. *GASP* 

This past week I attended a leadership conference. Albert Tate spoke and shared about the necessity of getting out of God's way. Letting go of control. Giving God what you've got and then stepping back to witness what He is going to do with it. It was a bit profound, putting those pieces together. Listening to him and then remembering all of those late night conversations with Robb speaking truth and me in tears. Here I was about to put my baby girl, who is now 18, on an airplane to go to the other side of the world to love on Kenyan people and literally be the hands and feet of Jesus. It is the most "out of God's way" that has ever been required of me. And Albert is getting all biblical with me and agreeing with my husband. First of all, I like being right. Second, I'm not great at not hovering. So, ya. That. Albert and I, we aren't friends.

Sometimes, getting out of God's way is uncomfortable and unsafe. At least in the way we perceive safety. Letting go of what we want or what we think, in order to let God just be who He is and do what He does means embracing the unknown. It means trusting His plan and knowing it will be far better than what you ever imagined. 

Now I sit here, wondering how it happened. How did so much time pass by since that day when she was 8 and just wanted to speak Spanish to now flying across the world to touch hearts. How was I not prepared for this, when I got so much warning?

This is the text she sent me at take off:

taking off. i love you so much. ill call you whenever i can next. i promise. remember why im doing this. Jesus is so good momma. id give up my whole entire life just to love girls all around the world. thats my purpose. ill be okay. i love you more. 

Her faith is just simple.

I learned from her today. 

I love to call her my mini me. She looks a lot like me. (She'd tell you she's cuter, she is.) She's stubborn like me. She is outspoken like me. She is hilarious like me :) The truth though, she is way more selfless and servant-hearted than I. Somehow, most of my kids are. 

I am always the most wrecked when God speaks to me through my kids. I have learned so much more about being an adult that loves Jesus from my kids that have grown into adults loving Jesus. Parenting encompasses my greatest fears. It also brings me the greatest joy. There is far more joy in being unsafe, as soon as we can embrace being uncomfortable for the sake of Christ.

Normal is Over-Rated.

We have EIGHT children. Yes, you read that right! EIGHT! I feel incredibly blessed to be their mama!!  I don't wish I had less, and I don't think the people out there with only one child (or no children) are "weird" or should have more. I think God created each one of us differently and to complete a different purpose. It is your job to live out your purpose, and it is my job to live out my God-given purpose with JOY. I am not asking for the approval of the general public or even asking them to have an understanding of my purpose. Seriously, I am content with knowing that many of you reading this will never understand our "why" and it would be odd if you did. It isn't your "why".  There are moments every day that I wish I could have eight more. The reality of it all is, you don't have to be okay with it, no one else really does. The unfortunate part is, many people in our modern society feel the need to let me know they don't approve. I really don't need to know that others don't approve of the size of my family. And, frankly, feeling the need to let me know is just rude.
It is sad to me that our society has come to a point that isn't in love with large families. We don't value them and we, in the most part, consider them a menace. I have read a few blog posts lately that have had my head spinning. Blogs written by people that have encountered some of the same silly questions I do. The funny thing is, it doesn't even matter what part of the country you are in, or what the dynamic is of the conversation, the questions are the same....
Are they all yours?
Robb's favorite answer is "no, I just pick random kids up along the way". I like to say "well I haven't added Kidnapping to my resume yet."
Are those your real kids?
Um, they aren't fake kids.
Did you and your husband have all of them together?
Is that really any of your business?? I mean really?
Do they all have the same dad?
Nope, I get around ;)
Are you a blended family?
Well Robb and I didn't come from the same womb, so I guess we're pretty "blended"
How many sets of twins?
Ha!! this one makes me wish I could say NONE!! Cuz we have EIGHT individual children.....twins doesn't make them any less unique.
Do you guys ever come out of the bedroom?
Unfortunately, yes ;)  SOMEBODY has to feed all of these illegitimate children.
Do you know what causes that?
Yup, we aren't professionals yet though....so, we keep practicing.
Are one of you getting fixed?
I'm sorry, I didn't realize one of us was broken??
Do you ever sleep?
Only at night....occasionally. YOU probably need a nap though ;)
Don't drink the water.
I am actually OK with that, I don't like water much anyway!
How do you have time for you?
You have no clue how much they fill my cup!
What are you thinking?
Who really "thinks" anymore...... especially before speaking!
Did you do that on purpose?
Well, trust me, it wasn't on accident!
Why would you have so many?
Just....Just....shut up PLEASE!
How are you going to send them all to college?
I am not "sending" them anywhere!! If they want to go to school, they will!
Are you old enough to have that many?
Of course not! I'm only 29!
You don't look old enough to have that many.
Of course I don't ;) I'm still 29!
Does your husband ever leave the house?
Yes, to go find more kids.
Are you Mormon? Catholic? Mexican?
Seriously? Doesn't even deserve a response!


O.K. I think I may have gotten the sarcasm out of my system (probably not, but I am moving on). I get that we aren't "normal" but as a good friend just reminded me...."Normal is over-rated. Christ wasn't considered normal, so we are in good company". I love my life and I wouldn't change it. Don't get me wrong, it is hard. But, aren't all things worth having, worth working for? No, I don't bathe the little ones every day. Yes, I cook dinner every night (almost). Our grocery bill is $200/week....and that has taken a lot of "revisiting". I menu plan and do laundry once a week. Robb and I still go on dates, and share a lot intimate moments (sorry kids). We are firm in sharing the workload. There is a chore chart, and you can bet your sweet patooty that we stick to it ;)  I still lose my patience and I forget to praise my kids when they do exactly what I would expect. I pray with them and for them. I have to be very strategic at dividing my time and sometimes I fail miserably at making each one of them feel special. My boys play the "racking game" and I allow my kids to say "freakin". I hate Sponge Bob and you will get soap in your mouth for calling someone stupid no matter how old you are. I stagger their bed times, and we only have two showers in our house so some have to shower in the morning. The oldest girl always sits up front (even if she isn't related). I expect my boys to act like gentlemen and my girls to behave like ladies. That wouldn't change if I had 2 or 20. I can tell you from experience, the hardest transition was from 1 to 2, and after 3, you will never pee alone anyway!!
My grandma had 7 kids biologically and fostered many more. I am honored by her legacy and am grateful to live by her example. Her example, mind you, was considered "NORMAL" in her day.

2013 in TWO WORDS

ROBBIE CHEER
MOPS MENTOR
FEEDING HOMELESS
FOOD TRUCK
WISDOM TEETH
FIVE TEENAGERS
NEW PUPPY
BICHON POODLE
KAMI COLLEGE
KITCHEN FIRE
SWEET SIXTEEN
BROKEN HIP
BOUNCE FORBIDDEN
LIFETIME FRIENDS
HARD GOODBYE'S
RENO BOUND
WELCOME HOME
GRACE CHURCH
OLD FRIENDS
SPEEDING TICKET
CHARTER SCHOOLS
EMPTY HOUSE
ORIGAMI OWL
WORKING MOM
FAILED HEALTH
GOD'S HEALING
HEART JOURNEY
RETIRE TRUCK
WORKING DAD
SEEKING HELP
MISSING LOVES
HEART HURTS
FAMILY TRADITIONS
STRONGER RELATIONSHIPS
HASHTAG OVERLOAD
RENEWED STRENGTH
NEW TATTOO
FAMILY CHRISTMAS
GENEROUS STRANGERS
WITNESS HEARTACHE
WITNESS HEALING
FAITH RESTORED
SUNDAY DINNERS
PRAYER WORKS
GOING STRONG
FEELING GRATEFUL

Six things I wish I had already known....

I look around me at all of the other moms that have toddlers. Most are younger than I and have much more energy. Most are pushing the swing at the park and packed great lunches for their kids. Some are dying on the inside, just trying to keep up with the mom, wife, woman standing next to them. I remember being that woman.  The one who didn't want anyone to know that I barely made it out of the house, how I had to redo my make up because I cried over some stupid argument my husband and I got into. I didn't want anyone to know that I yelled when I lost my temper, that I hid in the bathroom, counted quarters so I could get Starbucks, and always wished for bigger, better, nicer. I am thankful for this time, this clean slate to do it all over again.  I have learned a lot over the last 20 years of being an adult......there are six things I wish I had known back then.
1. No one can make you happy. Searching for the perfect person that makes everything in your world sparkle will only leave you disillusioned and distraught. You have to be happy on the inside. You have to have the kind of joy that only comes from Christ. You have to want to make others happy more than you want to be happy.  You don't have to "settle",  but you have to be real. Finding the person that completes you is just as imperfect as you are.
2. You can't be "fed" if you are still wearing a bib. You can't sit around wishing for a deeper relationship with Christ if you aren't willing to be His hands and feet. You can't wait for some message that is delivered to set off a light bulb and all of a sudden your cup overflows. Depth in relationship with Him comes from being like Him, from serving others, from giving to others, from studying Him, from being less like YOU. It doesn't come from the latest and greatest sermon.
3. It is much more attractive to fall apart. My greatest friendships have been with women that know me. They know how often I fail. They know that there is dried cereal stuck to my dining room table and pee on my bathroom floor. They know that I am insecure and have a hard time trusting. They know I'm not rich and some months can barely pay my bills. They know I sometimes say things to my kids I wish I didn't. They know I fight with my husband. They have seen me cry. They don't always tell me what I want to hear and I love them for that. It is ok to not have it all together.
4. Spend time being unproductive. Don't always stick to your list. Sometimes the greatest moments are the unplanned ones. It is ok to not be in control.  You don't have to always be involved in another activity, or have somewhere to go.  There doesn't have to be an agenda. Just live life. One day at a time. Together.
5. EVERYTHING worth having is worth fighting for or working for. Don't ever think that if it is hard, it isn't worth it. Marriage is hard. Being a mom is hard. Being real is hard. Following Jesus is hard.
6.  Listen. Spend more time listening than talking. Sometimes, they just don't want advice~they just want to know you care enough to listen.  Sometimes, the way you say "I love you" is by saying nothing at all. Sometimes, they need you to be quiet so the Holy Spirit is the only voice they hear.  Listen to the little stories and the things that make no sense at all. Listen to them laugh and listen to them cry. Just listen. Listen to God. Listen to His voice. Don't ever underestimate the power of the Holy Spirit and how dangerous it is to ignore It.
I love this stage of life. I am ok with getting a little older, I am good with having some years under my belt. Having being taught so many lessons makes the new ones easier to learn. Never stop learning.

Bucket List

Kiss my husband at the base of the Eiffel Tower
Take every single one of my grandchildren to Disneyland (not all at once though)
Read the bible from cover to cover.

Go skinny dipping
Take my mom to Graceland
Dance with my dad
See the sunrise from Hawaii
See the sunset from Greece
Visit the Holy Land
Go on a mission trip to Africa
Work on a food truck
Learn how to bake (take lessons)
Beat my boys at a video game
Sing Karaoke
Write a book
Visit my Grandpa's grave
Send a care package to a person serving our country over seas
Walk an old lady across the street
Get a facial
Get a massage
Run a marathon
Fix up an old house
Live downtown
Climb a mountain
Spend a month in an RV
Drive from coast to coast
Learn how to cut hair
Garden with my Nanny
Cut the lawn of a neighbor
Take cookies to a nursing home
Work at a coffee shop
Go to seminary-get my degree
Publish a cookbook
Drive from one end of California to the other on HWY 1 with Robb
Collect sand from each ocean
Take a ballroom dance class
Make something with pallets
Get one more tattoo ;)
Apologize to hearts I've hurt

First Bite Gourmet

It was a whirlwind! One day Kami is sharing this crazy good idea with us and we are thinking "that would be cool to do one day" and then a few months later I am sweating on a food truck and posting on facebook and twitter about where we will be next. It came on like a beautiful storm. Created gorgeous chaos and left me growing as I pick up the pieces.  It is no surprise that I have entered into this arena with much apprehension. It is unfortunately my nature to second guess everything.  I have no shame in admitting that when Robb felt undeniably called to start get the Word out, I went along kicking and screaming.  My husband fought the fight alone and at times against me to remain faithful to what he was lead to do.  It took me a good year to come to the point of submission.  I don't mean submission to just "support" my husband so he feels good. I mean submission to trusting him as the head of our household, trusting him even when he doubts himself.  I am thankful for the growth that the last eleven years has provided.  When Robb looked at me after a turn of events and said that it must be time to start First Bite, I was scared out of my mind! This time it was different.  I wasn't doubting my husband or his leadership, I wasn't doubting whether or not it was what God wanted us to do, all of my doubt and fears were surrounding if I was going to be able to be all things necessary.  How will I still Mentor at MOPS, serve at church, taxi kids to and from school, assist in leading a bible study, keep the house clean and the laundry done, have enough energy at the end of the day to show my husband I love him, cook dinner, be a good friend to some very special ladies, still go on dates with my kids, AND work on a food truck, be a supporter, GIVE! MORE! I am thankful that my hesitations were not a lack of faith in what God could do, but in what I could do.......THEN it hit me, isn't that one in the same? If I praise a God of the heaven and earth that can literally part a sea and raise from the dead; what in the world has come over me to think He can't be all things in me?? Sure, I will be tired physically.  I believe literally that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me!! My job will be to keep my priorities in line, my eye on the prize, and my faith in His control.  I am so excited to see the way God is already using First Bite to effect the lives of people in our community, especially the ones with the last name Jackson!  Our world has been rocked, routines have been changed, and I'm tired-but I wouldn't change a thing.

2012 in Two Words

Third Teenager

Six Flags

Coach Robb

Moving Away

House Sold

Not Moving

Stressed Chaos

Supportive Friends

Texas Family

Just Dance

New House

Birthday Parties

Tackle Football

Brayden Love

Adult Child

Road Trip

California Surprise

Beach Picture

 Financially Humbled

Field Leadership

God's Provision

New Vision

Kami's Heart

First Bite

Food Truck

Countless Hours

Family Business

Feed Homeless

Servant Joy

Faith Redemption

Family Vacation

Passionate Family

True Restoration

Cheer Team

The Landing

Cherished Dates

Family Traditions

College Enrollment

Diaper Free

Prayer Life

Rice Balls

Renewed Hearts

Renewed Love

Renewed Passion

Praise God