Mother's Day with a new perspective!

So yesterday was a battle of the mind! I will warn you in advance that some of my innermost weaknesses will be revealed in this post! Judge if you must, but please keep it in your head;-)
I spent a majority of my day and the days leading up to it pouting, remaining in the midst of my own pity party that I threw in honor of my own selfishness! Knowing that Robb had 2 softball games to play, I knew far ahead of time that my Mother's Day would not consist of the normal world rotation around my feet! I knew my day would look different and I decided in advance to be disappointed in the scenery! I was bummed I had to prepare a meal, bummed I had to clean up and serve that meal and disappointed that I was spending my day taking care of the very reason there is a day to celebrate at all!! How lame is that? I joked with a friend that it is a bit ridiculous that what we moms want most on Mother's Day is to be treated like we aren't the mom!
My thoughts throughout the day spent time wandering, thinking about women in my life that probably would give about anything to have all of the responsibilities of a mom today! Mostly, my thoughts lingered around a woman who is much like my mom; mentally disabled-bipolar, schizophrenic, and probably very lonely. A woman who gave birth to at least 7 children that I know of that she was clearly incapable of properly caring for. Four of those children now call me mom. I have extreme mixed feelings about her. My heart hurts for her as I think about how much my mom loves me, but probably wasn't fit to properly care for me either. I have some amazing aunts and a perfect grandma that have loved on me, guided me, protected me, and disciplined me all the days of my life! Women that had they not been the ones God chose to surround me with, my life would be in a completely different direction. Then there is the arguing, a bit harsh thoughts of -why didn't she get help? Why did she allow my boys to be so hurt and neglected? Why didn't someone step in? Why were they left in her care so long? The argument in my head would continue with thoughts thinking about how hard today must be for her with so much of what has happened being a product of her lost mind, how sad she must be to not have a stack of homemade cards sitting on her bedside table as I do! She is probably lonely, hurt, and confused-still having no one around her to help, and support her in her sickness!
God is so perfect in His infinite wisdom. I don't know all of his reasons he gave me my mom, but I do know that one of the gifts she has given me is a level of empathy for a woman that I could so easily hate.

From the mouth of a mother, MY MOTHER!

My mom loves me.  I know that without an ounce of doubt.  She has always done her best at making sure I knew that-to the best of her ability.  My mom is mentally disabled.  She was diagnosed when I was 2 with Bipolar Disorder, Paranoia, and Borderline Schizophrenia.  I spent much of my younger years taking advantage of that, and then my teenage years hiding it, and my adult years dealing with it.  There have been many things she has said or done that I didn't understand, and many things she has said that hurt, even though I know she probably didn't mean it the way it came out.    She has attempted suicide several times throughout my life and been institutionalized more times than that.  I have fought with her, cried with her, screamed at her, and hurt for her.  I've spent many moments a bit angry with God for choosing me to be her daughter.  I realize that sounds horrible, but it is the raw truth.  I have wished that I had a mom that would have guided me, given me helpful advice, one that I could look up to and want to be like.  I wished she wasn't my mom.  I don't remember exactly when it happened, but I remember a transformation of my mind; when God started helping me to see my mom the way He sees her.  As a beautiful woman with faults,  I love her anyway.   And she is perfect, just the way she is.

Our phone conversations are pretty frequent, I keep them frequent so I can keep them short.  Not because I don't want to talk to her, but mostly because she is very hard to follow most of the time.  A lot of times the things she say are "off the wall" or "far fetched".  Today was different.  She called to thank me for the flowers that I sent her for Mother's day, but asked why I didn't send her roses?  I giggle with a bit of disappointment in my heart.  I knew that I needed to make time for her today so as I cleaned the house I carried around the phone on my ear; listening and talking and trying to follow.  Then, my pleasant surprise came.  I was listening to my mom, give me sound motherly advice for the first time in my life that I can remember.  It made sense, it was legit!  We were talking about Mother's Day; I was sorting laundry.
This was a piece of our convo:
MOM: "It is my philosophy that God gives us all special talents and abilities.  Not everyone uses theirs, but they should.  When you don't use the talents and gifts God gave you it is deceiving, just like lying and you are depriving the people that are here to receive the gifts that God gave you to give away.  If you keep it  it's deceiving like stealing too.
Me: **sat in an AWE kind of silence**
MOM: "The most important thing you can do Marie is to make sure everything is under control under your own roof, not just that your house is clean.  You have to stop doing the laundry and make sure everyone is happy. I mean you have to keep your house clean, that's important but it's more important that your family is happy.  That everyone under your own roof is getting along and feels loved.
Me:"I totally get it mom.  That makes a lot of sense."
MOM: "It does?"

If you know my mom, you know the significance in this.  If you don't, well just know that every word she uttered today was a butterfly kiss from God on my cheek.  As if He was saying "no need to worry Marie, every vessel is valuable, every vessel can be used by Me.  I love you, I have used her all of your life to show you that."
My mom is a remarkable woman. HER reality is far more difficult than anything I have ever had to experience.  I have learned a lot from her about being a mom.  I love my mom more than ever and I am thankful that God chose me for her.