GOTCHA Day

Two years ago I was still sobbing over our first placement being removed from our home to be placed with a family member.  Four precious kids that we loved and adored. 4 kids that we cared for and nurtured for four months while their beaten bodies healed.  My heart ached and I remember crying out to God to heal it, to not allow it to harden, to help me to love like that again, even though the pain was so deep and unrelenting.  He answered that prayer.  Today marks the two year anniversary since 4 little boys were dropped off in Jacksonville for a pre-placement visit.  Four boys that I would love and adore.  Four boys that we would care for and nurture.  A love grew in my heart that scared me.  How could I love a child so much that I didn't give birth to?  How is it even possible?  Why do people say it isn't possible?  I dreaded the possibility that history could repeat itself.  They were wards of the state, we were their foster parents.  In my heart they were mine.  I would tussle with God, begging Him not to take them from us.  I prayed that if He did, that it would only be because that was what was best for them.  I selfishly wanted to be what was best for them.  I wanted Jacksonville to be their forever home.  I remember the first time Najee asked if he could call me mom and the flutter I felt in my heart.  We went home for Christmas that year,  I remember feeling like I was introducing them to their family and secretly dreaded a phone call I'd have to make if I was wrong.  If that feeling in the pit of my heart was wrong, would I ever recover?   My faith was great one moment when I trusted the Holy Spirit's leading in me telling me we were their parents, and then doubt would creep in and I would tremble inside in anticipation of the pain that I knew was to come.  In the foster care world you are told constantly to keep your hand and heart open, never ever anticipate you are adopting until you have a signed order.  I didn't listen! I look back now and think how every child deserves that kind of love!!  Thank God we are now the legal parents of our boys, but thank God even more that our hearts loved them as though they were, even when they weren't.  I think that God's wisdom is beyond our understanding, but still in my analytical mind I try to come up with the reasons for our pain or "why" He may have done this or that and what He wanted me to get out of the "lesson".  I sometimes wonder if He wanted me to learn just this-ALL children are His, He gives them to us to love, adore, nurture, and care for-for whatever time He purposes.  This is whether we gave birth to them or not.  We answer the call as parents and LOVE them deeply with our hands open, knowing they are His. Not that He wanted me to live in fear that one day He would take them from me, but in faith that if He did, my heart would heal and love again. 
People tell us constantly how blessed our boys are to have us,  the absolute truth in this reality is that we are beyond blessed to have them.  Today we celebrate that blessing, this is our anniversary, today is our GOTCHA day!!  July 24, 2010 will be forever etched in my heart!

Who's going first?

I remember sitting in a church service years ago when our Pastor was teaching on marriage and relationships.  I don't remember the whole message but this is what I do remember:
From the front he offered this advice "If you're waiting around for things to change or get better, and telling yourself I will do this and that as soon as (insert spouse name here) does this or that and your always wondering who goes first, I've got the answer-It's YOU!"  I can clearly remember being on the edge of my seat anticipating his call to the husbands to step up their game and lead their wives by example.  Ha!!  That is not what I got. I got the call.  All of us did!  He wasn't initiating action in any one person or genre of people, he was initiating action in all of us.  I quickly drew to mind the lesson my Nanny had been teaching my whole life, the same lesson I remind my children of almost daily "treat others the way you WANT to be treated, not the way you WERE treated". 
Over the years since then, I have drawn on that plea many times.  Not just in my marriage relationship, but in many interactions.  It isn't always easy.  In fact there have been many times that I would remember this thought, consciously, and ignore it.  There are times when my deep sense of entitlement roars it's head like an ugly lion.  When I feel like I deserve better treatment, I feel like, well the same way the person I may be dealing with is feeling. The cycle will continue to spin completely out of control as long as we are all waiting to decide who goes first.
We are studying the book of Philippians in our small group right now.  This week, we studied the latter part of Phil. 1.  As we talked about how these verses affected us, many helpful insights were shared.  It wasn't until later in the week, when I was in the position I've found myself in many times, that I realized how God was using these Words to battle my sense of entitlement.
Whatever happens, conduct yourselves in a manner worthy of the gospel of Christ. Phil. 1:27
This is when Paul is addressing the church from prison.  He has been wronged and hurt, yet is still calling on the church (us) to represent Christ in all we do.  He doesn't say if your husband/neighbor/parent/friend/boss/coworker/guy who cut you off/teacher/child/sister/brother treats you bad, it must be because they want you to treat him/her the same.  Paul says WHATEVER HAPPENS, BEHAVE!!  Just like what my Nanny taught me, just like I try to teach my kids, just like I NEED TO REMEMBER.