Getting out of God's way!

I love Jesus! I love my kids! I have prayed their whole lives for them to love Jesus too! I have prayed they would be head over heels in love with Him. That they would be willing to abandon all that is safe and comfortable to answer His call. I prayed that they would have a faith like David or Gideon. That they would trust whatever they were called to do and have full confidence in their Creator to strengthen them and carry them through anything they face. I prayed that they would be selfless and choose others. every.single.time. I prayed that NO MATTER WHAT, they would desire God's purpose for their life. I prayed that whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable-if anything is excellent or praiseworthy-that they would think about such things. 

Here's the thing-it doesn't feel good when God answers that prayer. It actually hurts in this super tender part of our heart. That place that wants complete control. The spot that just wants our kids to need us. The place that wants nothing more than to keep our kids safe and comfortable. It hurts there.

God isn't safe. He is seldom comfortable.

When Lanni was about 8 we went on a family mission trip to Mexico. It was one of the best weeks of my life. We helped build a house for a family there that needed it. We led somewhat of a Vacation Bible School for the kids in the little neighborhood we were in. WE served, we sacrificed, we were dirty, we worked hard, we loved. We loved hard. Lanni befriended a little girl that came to play with us each day. They played, they crafted, they laughed. Then, one night, Lanni cried. She explained to me that she didn't think it was fair that the little girl couldn't understand her. "All she wanted to do was tell her about Jesus". She was so frustrated. When we got home, she asked for a book to learn Spanish so that would never happen again. 

I should have known then that Lanni had a heart for the uncomfortable and the unsafe. I knew she had a heart for the broken and forgotten. I knew she had a heart for the lost. I should have known that broken, forgotten, and lost is far from comfortable and safe.

For many years I have struggled with being one of those helicopter mama's. You know the ones. That mama that lingers around on the first day of school, for hours- just in case- someone needs you. Ya, I'm that mom. The one that can.not.handle not having every single detail. The one that tries to be in control of every moment. My husband, Robb, helps me see things more clearly. He knows they need space to live and grow and learn. There have been many conversations that have begun with him reminding me that sometimes I just have to get out of God's way. That He has a story for them too. That sometimes, God doesn't need me to be involved in what He's doing in their hearts. *GASP* 

This past week I attended a leadership conference. Albert Tate spoke and shared about the necessity of getting out of God's way. Letting go of control. Giving God what you've got and then stepping back to witness what He is going to do with it. It was a bit profound, putting those pieces together. Listening to him and then remembering all of those late night conversations with Robb speaking truth and me in tears. Here I was about to put my baby girl, who is now 18, on an airplane to go to the other side of the world to love on Kenyan people and literally be the hands and feet of Jesus. It is the most "out of God's way" that has ever been required of me. And Albert is getting all biblical with me and agreeing with my husband. First of all, I like being right. Second, I'm not great at not hovering. So, ya. That. Albert and I, we aren't friends.

Sometimes, getting out of God's way is uncomfortable and unsafe. At least in the way we perceive safety. Letting go of what we want or what we think, in order to let God just be who He is and do what He does means embracing the unknown. It means trusting His plan and knowing it will be far better than what you ever imagined. 

Now I sit here, wondering how it happened. How did so much time pass by since that day when she was 8 and just wanted to speak Spanish to now flying across the world to touch hearts. How was I not prepared for this, when I got so much warning?

This is the text she sent me at take off:

taking off. i love you so much. ill call you whenever i can next. i promise. remember why im doing this. Jesus is so good momma. id give up my whole entire life just to love girls all around the world. thats my purpose. ill be okay. i love you more. 

Her faith is just simple.

I learned from her today. 

I love to call her my mini me. She looks a lot like me. (She'd tell you she's cuter, she is.) She's stubborn like me. She is outspoken like me. She is hilarious like me :) The truth though, she is way more selfless and servant-hearted than I. Somehow, most of my kids are. 

I am always the most wrecked when God speaks to me through my kids. I have learned so much more about being an adult that loves Jesus from my kids that have grown into adults loving Jesus. Parenting encompasses my greatest fears. It also brings me the greatest joy. There is far more joy in being unsafe, as soon as we can embrace being uncomfortable for the sake of Christ.

'Cuz I am a Momma Ninja, that's why!

I began praying this simple prayer for my children when they were little, I have prayed it fairly consistently throughout their lives.  I pray that God will reveal things to me that need to be addressed and if there are things that do not need my attention, that I wont even notice them.  The result of those prayers answered has called for many moments of redirection.  Deceit that could have easily gone unnoticed has been revealed at an early stage.  Prompts of the Holy Spirit to check message history or casually stroll into the other room have brought potential trips down a dangerous path to an abrupt end.  It isn't even always the bad stuff.  There are some moments of joyful triumph that I could have clearly missed had I not been obedient to the prompting of the Spirit.  I am grateful for these answered prayers.  I am thankful for all of those moments that I responded when needed and also the times that I missed out on battles that weren't worth fighting.  I pray many things over my children, I think the ninja prayer has been the most noticeably answered!  Every once in a while they will ask how I knew something..........we just credit it to my ninja skills!

I am what I do...

Not in a "works" vs. salvation kind of way.   But, more like in a "my actions represent my heart" kind of way. Living in a way that is worthy of Christ is no small feat.  Quite frankly, without grace it is impossible.  I am not suggesting that our life is to be a perfect reflection of Him, what I am suggesting is that our tiny moments, our behind closed door moments, our when no one is looking moments, our when we have nothing to gain moments, ARE a perfect reflection of who we are.  We can all put up the front and appear to be whoever we want to be whenever we want. The true us comes out however, when we least expect it.  Like, when someone asks for help on a day we had some "me" time planned, or when a good friend needs someone to talk to when your in the middle of checking all your facebook notifications, or when your kids ask you to play a board game and you are glued to the TV, or when you just mopped the floor and your 3 year old dumps a bowl of cereal all over it, or maybe when your husband crawls into bed next to you. 
Who is the real you?  What I have found is the real me is found in who I desire.  If my actions are a reflection of my heart and my heart is a reflection of my desires and my desires are a reflection of my King.  Then my actions should paint a pretty clear picture of who/what I desire, which should then depict who I am.  Who you are when no one's looking is the only real picture of who you are.  We can all claim to be Christ followers, believers, Christians, whatever "title" you want to give it.  But, are you living it?  Do your actions speak it?
As I approach this new year, I am pondering-Who am I?  Who do I want to be? and what does it look like when those two collide? Praying that my actions reflect my heart, my heart reflects my desires, and my desires reflect my King.