From the mouth of a mother, MY MOTHER!

My mom loves me.  I know that without an ounce of doubt.  She has always done her best at making sure I knew that-to the best of her ability.  My mom is mentally disabled.  She was diagnosed when I was 2 with Bipolar Disorder, Paranoia, and Borderline Schizophrenia.  I spent much of my younger years taking advantage of that, and then my teenage years hiding it, and my adult years dealing with it.  There have been many things she has said or done that I didn't understand, and many things she has said that hurt, even though I know she probably didn't mean it the way it came out.    She has attempted suicide several times throughout my life and been institutionalized more times than that.  I have fought with her, cried with her, screamed at her, and hurt for her.  I've spent many moments a bit angry with God for choosing me to be her daughter.  I realize that sounds horrible, but it is the raw truth.  I have wished that I had a mom that would have guided me, given me helpful advice, one that I could look up to and want to be like.  I wished she wasn't my mom.  I don't remember exactly when it happened, but I remember a transformation of my mind; when God started helping me to see my mom the way He sees her.  As a beautiful woman with faults,  I love her anyway.   And she is perfect, just the way she is.

Our phone conversations are pretty frequent, I keep them frequent so I can keep them short.  Not because I don't want to talk to her, but mostly because she is very hard to follow most of the time.  A lot of times the things she say are "off the wall" or "far fetched".  Today was different.  She called to thank me for the flowers that I sent her for Mother's day, but asked why I didn't send her roses?  I giggle with a bit of disappointment in my heart.  I knew that I needed to make time for her today so as I cleaned the house I carried around the phone on my ear; listening and talking and trying to follow.  Then, my pleasant surprise came.  I was listening to my mom, give me sound motherly advice for the first time in my life that I can remember.  It made sense, it was legit!  We were talking about Mother's Day; I was sorting laundry.
This was a piece of our convo:
MOM: "It is my philosophy that God gives us all special talents and abilities.  Not everyone uses theirs, but they should.  When you don't use the talents and gifts God gave you it is deceiving, just like lying and you are depriving the people that are here to receive the gifts that God gave you to give away.  If you keep it  it's deceiving like stealing too.
Me: **sat in an AWE kind of silence**
MOM: "The most important thing you can do Marie is to make sure everything is under control under your own roof, not just that your house is clean.  You have to stop doing the laundry and make sure everyone is happy. I mean you have to keep your house clean, that's important but it's more important that your family is happy.  That everyone under your own roof is getting along and feels loved.
Me:"I totally get it mom.  That makes a lot of sense."
MOM: "It does?"

If you know my mom, you know the significance in this.  If you don't, well just know that every word she uttered today was a butterfly kiss from God on my cheek.  As if He was saying "no need to worry Marie, every vessel is valuable, every vessel can be used by Me.  I love you, I have used her all of your life to show you that."
My mom is a remarkable woman. HER reality is far more difficult than anything I have ever had to experience.  I have learned a lot from her about being a mom.  I love my mom more than ever and I am thankful that God chose me for her.

A Month of Gratitude

 Although I am thankful for many things all year long, I enjoy spending the month of November naming something different every day. I love what facebook has done for my journaling.  It has encouraged me to document more, and among many other things, it is something I am thankful for.  Here's a look at my posts for November, 2011. A glimpse at some of the things I am most thankful for, and pretty much sums up my year in form of gratitude.

Nov. 1~Today I am thankful for TeenMOPS, the ministry itself and the heart behind it, as well as the faithful women I serve alongside!! So, so blessed to be a part of it.

Nov. 2~I would like to be all sentimental and share some deep thought of gratitude for day #2, but with child #7 throwing up today I gotta be real and say this is what I am thankful for. It's the disinfectant and hand sanitizer!!!  That's it.

Nov. 3~Today I am thankful for an amazingly helpful family. They always step up and do whatever it takes, even when they are "voluntold". They are some paper cuttin' fools.

Nov. 4~Today I am thankful for an amazing kids team at an awesome church. And all of the people that invested their time and resources to make this year's Extreme Road Trip so crazy good.

Nov. 5~Today I am thankful for an amazing man that sees things in me that I would never recognize without him. He sees me for who I am and still pursues me. He shows me a love I don't deserve and still treats me like a princess after all these years. He was my prince charming that rescued me many years ago, and is still my prince charming now. He truly is the man of my dreams and I am blessed to be his wife.

Nov. 6~Today, on Orphan Sunday I am thankful that though I was once an orphan living in a desperate world I was adopted into the Kingdom by the King of Kings; although I am sinful, He desires my worship, meets me where I DON'T belong, and accepts me as His own. He loves me and redeems me from who I once was and I am made new in Him. I am grateful beyond words to be loved by the Father.

Nov. 7~Today I am thankful that our kids and their friends like hanging at our house....no matter how old they get. I bet it is something I have always taken for granted, well-not anymore. What a blessing it has been and continues to be.

Nov. 8~Today I am thankful for facebook and the ability to network. Two local businesses are supporting our family through our upcoming adoption with fundraisers and I was able to create a page for y'all to "like" to help me spread the word.  It will help me reach even more people than those on my friends list.

Nov. 9 ~Today, I am thankful for the ministry of MOPS. I am thankful for the changes it has made in my life over the last 14 years and I am thankful to be a part of the changes it is making in others lives. Ministry is never perfect, because people are involved, but MOPS is about as close to perfect as I have seen.

Nov. 10~Today I am thankful for my mom. When she found out about me, so many choices could have been made. She chose life. Being raised by a mentally disabled mom has taught me so much about myself and how to really love. Taught me to be independent and responsible, how to have self control, and how to love unconditionally. She has struggled with many things throughout her life, but she has always loved me and made me feel like I was her everything.

Nov. 11~Today I am thankful for my freedom, and the men and women that protect it. I am thankful for their courage and sacrifice. I am thankful that they stand to protect me and my family while their families are so far away. I am thankful for the women who stand in the gap and parent their children alone while their husbands are making sure I can parent my children the way I see fit. I am thankful for the moms who have buried their sons and daughters so I can safely tuck mine in at night. I am thankful for the blessing of worshiping our God in freedom and know beyond a shadow of a doubt that is only possible because so many answered the call and sacrificed so much. My gratitude is beyond words.

Nov. 12~Today I am thankful for swing sets and that we have a pretty cool one. My kids played outside forever today which meant I got to visit with a sweet friend while they stayed busy!! It was a treat! Just what I needed!

Nov. 13~Today I am thankful for the four children that I gave birth to. They are all wise beyond their years. When we decided to foster/adopt it was a family decision. Every discussion we have about it, their perspective is completely selfLESS and Christ centered. They have sacrificed so much in the eyes of a child, but with very little complaint. They step up whenever I need them, they love whole heartedly even though they've experience the pain of loss, and they give more than what is ever expected. They are true servants of the King. There are many reasons they make me proud, but this my friends is my favorite!

Nov. 14~Today, I am thankful for Heidi Miller. Biology made us cousins, but life made us sisters. She is strong, she is courageous, she is focused, she is an inspiration to other women. She never gives up, she loves everyone, she never judges, she always keeps her word, she makes me laugh, she listens to me cry, she would do anything for me, she is ALWAYS there for me, I know that no matter what-I can count on her, and she makes this killer chicken broccoli dish. She always tells me how much she looks up to me, the reality is she inspires me to be a better me. I love you Heidi Lynn.

Nov. 15~Today I am thankful for our Lifegroup. I am thankful that even after a season of wandering around, feeling lost and lonely, God has circled us back in and planted us in a family! We are connected, We are blessed and I am grateful.

Nov. 16~Today I am thankful for God's provision. I am thankful for the way He shows up when I least expect Him, which means I am thankful for His faithfulness when my faith is lacking. I could share so many stories of how He has blown me away and more of how I didn't think He would. He always has our back and ALWAYS provides for our family. He always knows what we need and what we don't.......we always have what we need.

Nov. 17~Today I am thankful that my kids love each other. They protect each other, hang out together, cheer for each other, they have got each other's back. They are the best of friends.

Nov. 18~Today I am thankful for caffeine.....have needed a lot of that today!!

Nov. 19~Today I am thankful for a woman that I never met. I am thankful that with each of my boys, she chose life. Although I would give anything for their paths to not have been what they were, I am grateful beyond measure that those paths led them to the heart of Jacksonville.

Nov. 20~Today I am thankful for my Texas family. I am thankful for the many that came out to celebrate with us today. I feel abundantly blessed and my heart overflows. I am grateful for the family that God has surrounded us with and am blown away continuously by the love and support they all so selflessly give!!!

Nov. 21~Today I am thankful for my Nanny (Grandma). She loved on me and set boundaries when I knew none, and let me break the rules when she thought I needed to. She has many grandchildren and makes me feel like I am her favorite (I am sure I am not the only one that feels that way). I am thankful for the smile I can hear in her voice every time she hears mine. I am thankful that she spent many nights praying for me while I was growing up. I am thankful for the groceries she used to sneak and leave on my doorstep when I felt like the world was against me. I am thankful for the countless nights on her lap watching Dallas and sipping her coffee. I am me because she set the example.

Nov. 22~Today I am thankful for reality TV. (not all of it of course) It is something our entire family enjoys doing together. On any given day, you will hear a Jackson say "can we watch one of our shows?" We all pile in the living room and watch together...... Tonight, it's Xfactor.

Nov. 23~Today I am thankful for date nights, a husband who always knows exactly what I need, and an amazing, selfless friend that comes over to pour love into my children so Robb and I can pour love into each other. Thank you Miss Teresa. We love you.

Nov. 24~Today I am thankful for my family, and the man I am creating memories with! I am thankful for understanding the true meaning of "family" and having many of them to spend my day with! I am thankful that Christ is at the center of our family. I am thankful for technology and the ability to share moments with family that is too far away to spend the day with. I am thankful to have another Miller in my house today too!! It is a glorious day and I have many things to be thankful for.

Nov. 25~Today I am thankful for the Allen family. I am thankful that God worked things out so Robb and I have bff's that are married. I am thankful that our kids adore each other. I am thankful that I have a best friend that isn't just my "yes" girl. She keeps it real for me. I am thankful that Robb has a best friend that I can trust. They've got our back. They have walked alongside us even when the walk was not pleasant. Although I am not thankful for the distance between us, I am thankful that no matter how much time passes between our visits, it is like the distance is irrelevant. We love us some Allen's.

Nov. 26~Tonight I am thankful for my girls, cuz they are awesome.           

Kami ~I just thought you should know how thankful I am for you and the woman you have become. You let your light shine among men. In my month of gratitude facebook posts, I listed that you were awesome, but now I am feeling like that just isn't enough!! I am grateful beyond words to have been chosen to be your mom. You are wise beyond your years and your heart for Jesus continues to blow me away. Thank you for being YOU and being you all the time, even when everyone is around. Who you are when no one is looking is just as admirable as the woman you are when you have an audience and there aren't many people in the world like that. I love you my little boo boo. (sorry, had to throw that in)

Lanni~So, a few days ago in my "today I am thankful for" post I said my girls were "awesome". Which, of course you are, but I am now feeling like that isn't enough. I want you to know how thankful I am to be your mom and how ridiculously grateful I am that you have a heart that loves Jesus and it shines through you in everything you do. You have a heart of service and I know it pleases God. Your life is a testimony and you consistently give God the glory in everything you do. I always tease you about your attitude, cuz honestly it is too much like mine. But I am thankful that same attitude is what gives you the bold courage to say what you mean. I know you will always be the voice of this family. I am also thankful for your loving heart! You are a beautiful girl on the inside and out, I am overwhelmingly blessed by you!!

Nov. 27~Today I am thankful for family traditions. I am thankful that some of our kids are getting older and letting us know how much those traditions mean to them. I love the traditions that the Holidays bring out. I am thankful that family time is an important part of our week. I am thankful that we are in control of the legacy we leave and I am thankful that the Jackson family legacy will now be one that our grandchildren's grandchildren will be proud of.

Nov. 28~Today I am so thankful for spiritual leadership and accountability in my life. I am thankful that there are people in my life that love me enough to point me in the right direction, help me to navigate through rough terrain, and always catch me when I fall, no matter how uncomfortable it may be. My husband is my number 1 accountability partner and I am so thankful for his bold leadership, but I am also so grateful for my lifegroup, and the church leadership we fall under. We are blessed.

Nov. 29~Today I am thankful for a home full of giggles. Although they drive me crazy sometimes, when I am trying to get work done and they wont stop messing around....I wouldn't trade the sound of their laughter for much of anything. I am beyond grateful for belly laughs and the giggles that bring tears!!

Nov. 30~Today I am thankful for the month of November. Thankful for the opportunity to exercise self discipline and take time to reflect on the sooo many things that I have to be thankful for. I am thankful for the spirit of gratitude that has nestled it's way in my heart and am praying that it takes refuge there for many months to come.

New Tat

New TAT

Originally posted: Wednesday, January 6, 2010 at 11:47pm

I've wanted it for a while. It's another one in Hebrew. I don't speak Hebrew (that's on my list though), I just think it is a beautifully written language. It is "pretty"! My tattoo means "bond-servant". I got it tatted on the back of my neck. A little bit of pain, for a lifelong reminder. I am sure there are some biblical scholars out there that may find some holes in my explanation, be aware I am far from a biblical scholar. This is what I know it to mean: In biblical days if you committed a crime and someone came along and paid for your crime in order to spare you the punishment, out of gratitude you would become their "bond-servant". This isn't something you would do out of obligation, it was done with true joy. A bond-servant realizes that nothing they have belongs to them, it is all just being entrusted to their care. A bond-servant does not ever expect to be served, it lives to serve others. A bond-servant finds joy in their master. They are delighted to live for their Master. Ultimately a bond-servant understands their purpose, there is no confusion or misunderstanding on why they are living. They truly understand that they are not their own. That is the desire of my heart. I long to live in obedience to an amazing God that paid the price for my crime. He became Man to suffer a horrible death because He knew that is what had to be done in order for ME to be reconciled to God. He knew that many of us that know him would choose to live differently. He already knew that I would spend many moments turning my back on Him as I choose to please myself instead of Him. He knew I didn't deserve it, He knew I would even have a hard time accepting it. He knew that over and over I would fail in my quest of becoming more like Him. Yet He did it anyway! He lived a sinless life, suffered death on the cross and rose from the dead 3 days later in order to give me life! How in the world can I know all that and not find absolute JOY in knowing that everything I have is not mine, it has just been entrusted to me (including my kids), and how could I ever expect to be served, I want to live to serve others. I find joy in my Master. I am delighted to live for my Master. I understand my purpose, there is no confusion or misunderstanding on why I am living. I truly understand that I am not my own. Now, I certainly forget many of these things throughout my day to day life, but these are the desires tattooed on my heart. So, I wanted a tattoo on the outside to serve as a reminder of the life I want to live out of gratitude.