GOTCHA Day

Two years ago I was still sobbing over our first placement being removed from our home to be placed with a family member.  Four precious kids that we loved and adored. 4 kids that we cared for and nurtured for four months while their beaten bodies healed.  My heart ached and I remember crying out to God to heal it, to not allow it to harden, to help me to love like that again, even though the pain was so deep and unrelenting.  He answered that prayer.  Today marks the two year anniversary since 4 little boys were dropped off in Jacksonville for a pre-placement visit.  Four boys that I would love and adore.  Four boys that we would care for and nurture.  A love grew in my heart that scared me.  How could I love a child so much that I didn't give birth to?  How is it even possible?  Why do people say it isn't possible?  I dreaded the possibility that history could repeat itself.  They were wards of the state, we were their foster parents.  In my heart they were mine.  I would tussle with God, begging Him not to take them from us.  I prayed that if He did, that it would only be because that was what was best for them.  I selfishly wanted to be what was best for them.  I wanted Jacksonville to be their forever home.  I remember the first time Najee asked if he could call me mom and the flutter I felt in my heart.  We went home for Christmas that year,  I remember feeling like I was introducing them to their family and secretly dreaded a phone call I'd have to make if I was wrong.  If that feeling in the pit of my heart was wrong, would I ever recover?   My faith was great one moment when I trusted the Holy Spirit's leading in me telling me we were their parents, and then doubt would creep in and I would tremble inside in anticipation of the pain that I knew was to come.  In the foster care world you are told constantly to keep your hand and heart open, never ever anticipate you are adopting until you have a signed order.  I didn't listen! I look back now and think how every child deserves that kind of love!!  Thank God we are now the legal parents of our boys, but thank God even more that our hearts loved them as though they were, even when they weren't.  I think that God's wisdom is beyond our understanding, but still in my analytical mind I try to come up with the reasons for our pain or "why" He may have done this or that and what He wanted me to get out of the "lesson".  I sometimes wonder if He wanted me to learn just this-ALL children are His, He gives them to us to love, adore, nurture, and care for-for whatever time He purposes.  This is whether we gave birth to them or not.  We answer the call as parents and LOVE them deeply with our hands open, knowing they are His. Not that He wanted me to live in fear that one day He would take them from me, but in faith that if He did, my heart would heal and love again. 
People tell us constantly how blessed our boys are to have us,  the absolute truth in this reality is that we are beyond blessed to have them.  Today we celebrate that blessing, this is our anniversary, today is our GOTCHA day!!  July 24, 2010 will be forever etched in my heart!